It could be normal for us to hope that others will change a “little, here and there” to improve our relationships, whether it's a loved one, a colleague, or a boss. But is it realistic to expect someone to change just for our benefit?
Sometimes, we find ourselves in relationships that make us uncomfortable. We may have a boss who doesn't treat us well, a family member who behaves in ways we don't like, or a partner who doesn't meet our expectations. We begin to feel conflicted when we expect the other person to change to make us happy.
However, expecting someone to change to our liking means that we're trying to control them and impose our values or expectations on them. But can we realistically control how other adults behave, think, or speak?
The Serenity Prayer, which is used in various contexts, reminds us to have the wisdom to differentiate between what we can and cannot change. In this case, we cannot change how people behave. If someone asks us to change, we can always choose what to do and even decide not to do anything. As a wise person once told me, “Not deciding is also a decision."
We cannot control how others behave, but we can control our actions and decisions, such as setting boundaries, managing our emotions, and handling our expectations. Before listing all the problems that someone else brings to a relationship, we must resist the false and delusional belief that we have the power to control how others live their lives.
We know relationships are complex, and the power dynamic can be especially challenging with a direct boss, our parents, or our partner. However, if we know ourselves well, know our values, and understand our strengths and weaknesses, we can have the courage to set healthy boundaries and recognize when a relationship becomes abusive.
Looking back, I remember a boss who mistreated and yelled at his subordinates, including me. I couldn't yell back at him or tell him how to behave. What I could control was my reaction and my decision about what to do. Today, I'm grateful for that experience and thanks to life coaching tools, it led me to make a radical life change that brings me more professional and personal fulfillment than ever.
Have you been trying to change someone? Has it been successful, or is it just an illusion? Let me know if you resonate with this article and let's connect.
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